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Sandwich Strife

February 24th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments


CHEF GORDON RAMSAY: Okay, since you’re new to being on television, I figured we could do a run-through where we simulate an actual taping to get your feet wet.

SOUS CHEF WINONA SHEN: That’s very considerate. Thank you, chef.

RAMSAY: Zip it! Now, the premise of this show is that you and I compete against two other chef and sous chef pairs to make sandwiches for a party that’s happening in the other room. The partygoers then vote on whichever sandwiches they like most without knowing who made them, and the winner is determined. With me so far?

SHEN: Yes.

RAMSAY: Keep in mind we will not know what type of sandwiches we’re making beforehand, so you will need to be deft in doing the unexpected, which television viewers love. Most of our challenges will be made up of slight twists on classic sandwiches, but there will be some left field entries as well. We’ll be making three sandwiches each show, enough for fifty people to sample. Ready to start?

SHEN: Yes.

RAMSAY: Oh, and you’ll be blindfolded.

SHEN: Sorry? I don’t reca-

RAMSAY: Quiet! Can’t you go a minute without blathering on? The blindfold’s in your contract, check it again. It adds some intrigue to the show. Trust me, I’ve been on a lot of these goddamn things, and they all need it.

SHOW EMCEE BILLY BUSH: Wanna get started with our run-through?

RAMSAY: Shut your fucking mouth, Bush! You’re lucky I’m giving you this opportunity after the “grab ’em by the pussy” tape!

BUSH: Sorry! I know.

RAMSAY: Okay, let’s give this a go. These are my friends, Allen and Charlotte, who will be competing against us.

ALLEN and CHARLOTTE: (in unison) Hel-

RAMSAY: Shush! Winona, here’s your blindfold. Put it on now. Good. Okay, hit it, Barely Bush.

BUSH: Welcome back to Sandwich Strife! Now that we’ve met the teams, we’re going to be unveiling the menu for this evening’s event and getting the competition started! Here it is!

(digital display reveals menu of vegan reuben sandwiches, bahn mi sandwiches, and crispy duck club sandwiches)

BUSH: What a spread! And we’re off!

RAMSAY: Right! Shen, prepping the sauerkraut for the reuben and the radishes and carrots for the bahn mi are the most time-consuming. Start there. Radishes and carrots should be matchstick thin.

SHEN: Understo-

RAMSAY: Matchstick! I’ll get started on the meats.

(RAMSAY turns on a firehose and aims it offstage)

BUSH: What are you d-

RAMSAY: Shut your fucking trap, you weasel! This is of no concern to you, but I’m considering a run for Senator, and I need an angle. So I’m going to style myself as an angry wonk and use this show to promote my image and test the popularity waters. And a big issue in the future is going to be water.

BUSH: But why would you be ruining the all the sound equipment over there with the fireh-

RAMSAY: Because, you dimwit! The government states that more than 1800 gallons of water are required to use one pound of hamburger! The pork I’m making isn’t far behind. I’ve been reading over the data to bone up on my wonkiness! Here, look at these statistics.

(RAMSAY hands BUSH a folder of documents)

RAMSAY: Goddamn you, Shen! Those look more like chopsticks than matchsticks! Our bahn mi is going to be shit because of your idiocy!

SHEN: It’s difficult when I can’t s-

RAMSAY: Yap, yap, yap! Enough! Prep the lettuce and tomato for the club next.

(RAMSAY crawls slightly into the cabinet beneath the sink)

BUSH: Wait, these papers say that the production cycle for a pound of beef ends up using 1800 gallons of water. But that has nothing to do with how it’s prepared, so you really don’t need to b-

(water begins leaking rapidly from beneath the sink)

RAMSAY: (standing up) There we go. Now I can get started on the duck.

BUSH: Didn’t you hear me, Gordon? None of this is necessary. That water in your statistic has already been used by the time you got the meat!

RAMSAY: You’re a fucking birdbrain, Bush. Water rights are becoming a topic of discussion more and more every year, as is the inherent avarice for precious resources in our society by the elite. By fusing the two issues into a single one and illustrating wastefulness literally on a cooking sh-

SHEN: I’ve cut my index finger off!

RAMSAY: Do you ever shut your fucking piehole? Grip the stump to control the blood flow, you clumsy shit! Where was I? Right, I’ll be playing the heel who’s angry on the little guy’s behalf by packaging political messages in a competitive cooking show, where I can create a unique buzz, which is all you need these days. This is going to work, Billy Boner.

BUSH: The room is getting really waterlogged. It’s above my ankles at this point. We should probably all get out of here and call mainten-

RAMSAY: Shut the fuck up! Ah, the bread has risen well, and the pork roasted nicely. Even the goddamn tofu for the reuben smells wonderful. Winona! Are you still weeping into your open wound? Get your butterfingers back to work!

BUSH: I still don’t understand the political message you’re sending by ruining the entire soundsta-

RAMSAY: Listen. I’M THE ANGRY WONK! The government is fucking you and so are the corporations and so are the elite! They’re destroying the environment! They’ve rigged basic necessities against you! Here are the numbers! THEY’RE FUCKING ASTONISHING! And here’s a performative translation of what’s happening that you can easily digest that just happens to unfortunately wreck studio C in the process.

BUSH: Yeah, but w-

RAMSAY: I also have made three incredible giant sandwiches with a nine-fingered woman on a set that’s beginning to float away. And my team will narrowly win the vote because the show is rigged.

ALLEN and CHARLOTTE: (in unison) It’s wha-

RAMSAY: SHUT UP, YOU FUCKING BOOTLICKERS! William Bush-League, you’re the fucking Access Hollywood guy. Will this act sell?

BUSH: Wow. I see what you mean. And geez, look at these sandwiches!

RAMSAY: They’re beautiful, right? Quite the fucking spread. Winona, I must say I should give you a portion of the credit here. Well done.

SHEN: Thank you, but I really need to go to the emergenc-

RAMSAY: Goddamn it, Shen, you’re bleeding on the reuben! That’s supposed to be vegan, you fucking dolt!

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