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Dating hazards

February 22nd, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

EMMA: Ugh, I’m so depressed.

JON: What? We’re having such a nice time! What could you be depressed about?

EMMA: It seems obvious we’re going to have sex soon.

JON: Well, I wasn’t going to pressure. But, wow. Great!

EMMA: Yeah.

JON: Wait, why is that depressing? (starts flexing)

EMMA: You know. I’ll just bite your head off.

JON: Now, wait a minute. I read in Mantis Monthly that only happens between 15 and 25 percent of the time. It’s not guaranteed! We can still get freaky!

EMMA: Those are the stats in the wild. You forget that we’re in captivity, which raises the odds of your death considerably.

JON: Captivity? Is that right?

EMMA: Don’t you recall being captured by that giant human two weeks ago?

JON: The what? That doesn’t sound right.

EMMA: Probably because you’ve spent the entire time holed up in the bar that Henry built back in the corner of this glass-walled prison! You’re drunk right now, you sop!

JON: Come on! Henry only opened that bar to make enough money to open this restaurant. I was supporting my friend, and as a result, we have a lovely bistro to dine in this evening.

EMMA: We’re crouching behind nine blades of grass that are leaning against the wall.

JON: It’s called ambiance! Trust me, Henry knows what he’s doing.

EMMA: Then why don’t we have a waiter?

JON: We do! Henry promised he’d be by any minute now.

EMMA: Sure he did. Ugh.

JON: We have some down time while we’re waiting for him, though. And the ambiance is providing us some privacy…

EMMA: I’m warning you, it won’t end well for your cranium.

JON: (approaching) Nah, I’ll be fine. And you’re so irresistible! What could go wrong?

EMMA: Fine. It’s your head. Not that you seem to need it.

(they begin mating)

JON: Oh my god, yes! Oh! Oh OH! OHHH!!!

(EMMA bites off JON’s head)

EMMA: (between chews) What…a…putz.

(HENRY enters)

HENRY: Hello, you two lovebirds. May I take your ord…Holy shit! What happened to Jon?

EMMA: The usual. I warned him.

HENRY: Wow. You’re feisty on a first date, eh? That’s pretty hot.

EMMA: Forget it, Henry. I’m not establishing a guillotine business.

HENRY: What? A guy can’t help but notice the sexual aggression. I mean, you’re still pretty flushed…

EMMA: (sighing) It is true that I’m not yet satiated.

HENRY: Whoa! (flexing while approaching) I may be able to help you out there…

(they begin mating)

HENRY: Oh yeah! Yeah! Who’s the Mantis King? I AM THE MANTIS K-

(EMMA bites off HENRY’s head)

EMMA: (sighing between chews) Even the…dessert…here is…subpar.

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