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Quad goals

February 12th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

CLERK: Hello, sir! Welcome to the Lower Half! Is there anything I can assist you in finding today?

BRUCE: Yeah. I need some chaps.

CLERK: Ah. I don’t think we have any chaps in stock, sir. Despite having one of the most extensive collections of clothing for below the waist on the west coast, that’s one thing we generally don’t carry. My apologies. Perhaps there’s something else that would suffice? Do you need chaps for a specific reason?

BRUCE: I guess something else might work. The thing is, I have really powerful quads and I want a way to show them off without making it seem like I’m trying too hard.

CLERK: And chaps were your solution to this? Maybe just some running shorts would suffice?

BRUCE: What? No, no, shorts are too obvious. You catch a glimpse of me from across the parking lot wearing shorts, you’ll be thinking, “whoa, look at that guy’s quads!” and I don’t need people whistling at me all the time. It’s got to be more subtle.

CLERK: Like…chaps.

BRUCE: Well, yeah. Because first you’d notice the chaps, but then you’d see these monster muscles bulging around the edges of them and think, “hey-o, what’s under there?”

CLERK: Under the chaps.

BRUCE: Right. And around them, sort of.

CLERK: Okay. Well, since we have no chaps and running shorts are out, let’s see what else we can do. What about a kilt?

BRUCE: Hmm. I don’t know. My calves are really underwhelming compared to the quads. Seems like I’m drawing more attention to below the knees and any attention I get would be the opposite of what I’m going for here.

CLERK: Alright, how about compression pants?

BRUCE: Buddy, these monsters would bust right through something that tight!

CLERK: Of course. Stupid me. Maybe fishnets?

BRUCE: Well, now you’re talking! That’s attention-getting and still kind of on the subtle side.

CLERK: (clearing throat)

BRUCE: Can I wear socks over them?

CLERK: To be honest, most people consider that a bit, er, tacky.

BRUCE: What about leg warmers?

CLERK: I think I’d be worried those would distract from the fishnets above them and worse, your quads.

BRUCE: Right, good thinking. I guess that’s getting away from the subtlety too.

CLERK: Maybe a little. Would you consider a garter?

BRUCE: There’s a thought! But people only wear one, right? I want attention drawn to my quads equally. Is it normal to wear two garters?

CLERK: None of this is normal.

BRUCE: Okay, forget it then. What else?

CLERK: I’m running out of ideas, to be frank. Perhaps a wrestling championship belt?

BRUCE: Isn’t that all faked?

CLERK: Is that a concern at this point?

BRUCE: Yeah. I don’t want to look like some kind of idiot.

CLERK: Of course.

BRUCE: But the idea of a belt is good. Maybe a giant buckle. No, it needs to draw attention to the sides for the quads. Something else, like…

CLERK: Gun holsters?

BRUCE: That’s perfect! Do you sell those?

CLERK: Somehow we do. I can even sell you six shooters for them if you like.

BRUCE: That’s amazing!

CLERK: (handing belt to Bruce) Here, try this on. Please be careful. Those guns are also loaded for some reason.

BRUCE: This is incredible! And to think, I was going to wear chaps! Here, how do I look?

CLERK: You look magnificent, sir. But again, please be caref-

(both guns go off)

BRUCE: OH MY GOD I SHOT MYSELF IN MY QUADS!

CLERK: (sighing) The wounds don’t look too deep. Let me wrap these belts around your thighs to stem blood loss and then I’ll call 911.

BRUCE: Maybe you’re right. I guess I can still move okay.

CLERK: And…I can’t believe I’m saying this, but the tourniquets actually accentuate your quads tremendously.

BRUCE: Hey, thanks! I’ll take six pair.

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