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Chau4Less

February 8th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for attending ADVERTS, the 2018 Automated Driving Vehicle Excellence in Research and Technology Symposium. It’s truly an honor to see so many faces in the audience. My name is Gordon Jessup and I represent Mechanized Motors. It is my great pleasure to stand before you today and present our company’s latest vehicle, which we believe will truly upend the automated vehicle market once and for all. Everyone, please allow me to introduce…the Chau4Less!

This is the future, folks. The Chau4Less is a reasonably-priced, fully-automated car for the everyman or woman. Designed to cater to those who are ill-equipped to afford traditional ADVs, but still yearn for one despite being resentful about the idea in general, the Chau4Less has it all! Incredible mileage, customizable digital interface, bathing options, marshmallow roaster, everything! This is the vehicle the masses will yearn for.

That’s right, you did hear me say bathing options. There’re three! The flip-down showerhead from the sun visor, the seat mister, and the cream of the crop, the total immersion. The interior is competely waterproofed, so no damage will occur whichever is chosen. Take a look at the display model behind me as I activate the total immersion. The water floods in from faucets along the floorboards and fills the vehicle up in about 15 seconds. The ventilation system’s vents then act as jets to swirl the water around in a clockwise motion to assist in cleansing before the whole thing drains out 15 seconds later. Don’t worry, most people can hold their breath that long, even if they initially pass out.

So let’s observe it in action! Okay, so as you can see, the water is gushing in from the tank in the trunk rapidly. Almost full! I should also remind everyone that the car onstage with me is a prototype, and a normal Chau4Less would be properly sealed so the kind people in the first five rows here would not be getting as wet as they are. I’m going to go ahead and shut it off now, as I think you’ve seen the awesome magnitude of this feature. Again, this is just a prototype. Normally the shut-off function would work. Yes, I’m very sorry about your shoes, ma’am. I can indeed see that they’re suede.

But I also said marshmallow roaster, didn’t I? That’s right, what does Joe Six-Pack or Winona Wino love more than a nice toasty marshallow? Certainly nothing comes to my mind! Let me demonstrate the amazing nature of this snacking treat! Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I am going to have to open the door for this, meaning the remaining water is going to pour out, likely onto your shoes. Prototypes, am I right? Here goes and, well, that’s more than even I expected to be left in there. And sir, I can hear you. It does smell like gas a bit, but there’s nothing to be alarmed about. So, first we insert the marshmallow, and then I initiate the roaster by pressing here…

That’s quite the sniffer, sir! There’s apparently a lot of gas leaking out! I ask all of you who are running away in fright to please form orderly lines at the exits and search for fire extinguishers. I can still show off the graphic user interface if we catch this in time! Yes ma’am, I can see that the fire has caught your shoes and is spreading rapidly up your slacks. Ironic that the water all leaked out first, isn’t it? But that’s just the sort of thing your average blue collar automated vehicle shopper is looking for. Affordable drama! That’s the Chau4Less!

And hey, now I’m on fire too! Boy, these zany prototypes!

Categories: death
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