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Guard your question marks

February 6th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

Somehow people don’t know this, but question marks are the most valuable resource on earth. More precious than gold, than diamonds, than love. It seems preposterous, but that’s only because it’s not common knowledge and sounds a little weird at first blush. Folks, there’s a reason for that, though: question marks are a tool of the devil. The devil wants this to sound strange to your ears. He wants you to doubt what I’m saying. And sinner that you are, you’re going to believe him.

The church I preach at is full of sinners, of course. Every church and every community is, and it’s all of our duty to work every day to correct that and get closer to God. But in my church, we don’t search for the truth in our Scriptures, we don’t pray with a sense of wonder. No! We have the utmost certainty in our own opinions and interpretations, and that’s because we do not use question marks, ever. Question marks are the tool of the devil.

“Now, Pastor,” you’re saying, “you said that question marks are the most valuable resource available. They cannot also be a device of the devil.” They are both, my friends. And it’s not just because Satan makes you full of doubt and skepticism, leading to ever more questions. The most miserable among us who aren’t trauma victims are the creatives who do nothing but ask questions. The devil makes them miserable for it. And he does it with question marks, which is why they’re so valuable to retain.

Also, if you save up enough question marks, you get to ask God a question once you get to Heaven! There, I saw some eyes shoot up. Well, alright. My congregation and I protect our question marks with fervor, immediately dismissing any doubt in our, or my, actions and certainly never speaking them aloud or in writing. We conserve our marks, knowing one glorious day we’ll redeem them for an inquiry of the Almighty. We’ll be able to ask anything and receive the ultimate truth. So we protect our question marks fiercely against the devil, who seeks to purloin them from us. They are valuable and they are sacred, my friends. And that is what my congregation and I do.

I ask all of you to save your question marks. I ask you to simply trust the person speaking before you without any doubt entering your mind. I invite all of you to our service this evening, where we’re always happy to guide beginners in learning how to protect their doubt from Satan by repressing it entirely. We’ll show you how to save your question marks and how many you’ll need to ask God something when you reach the afterlife. Maybe you can even learn how to ask more than one if you keep coming back!

I’ll even waive half the sanctuary cover charge tonight! Now, one quick thing I’m obligated to say: thestateofcalifornialegallyrequiresmetotellyouthatchargingacoverfeeforthisisillegal (breath) andtheconceptofsavingquestionmarksisconsideredfraudsothestatelegallyadvises (breath) anyonebeingreadthiscourtmandatedscripttocallthepoliceimmediatelybecau- hey, where are you all going?

Damn! Now look what happened!

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