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The Trump Bowl

February 4th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

INT. BROADCAST BOOTH, TRUMP BOWL I, 2025

LARRY: Hello! And welcome to the first ever Trump Bowl, the championship game of the Trump Football League! I’m Larry Peters, and with me as always is my partner, Jack Grasoll.

JACK: Hi, Larry. What a thrill to be here!

LARRY: Also in the studio today with us is Vice President Stephen Miller! Welcome, Stephen.

STEPHEN: The Trump Bowl is the most important event of the year and its legitimacy will not be questioned.

LARRY: Right, okay. Today’s matchup features the Scranton Lions versus the Alabama Christians, and what a game it should be. The Christians have had to rely on some miracles throughout the season to get this far, while the Lions have advanced with their relentless defense.

JACK: That’s right, Larry. The Lions’ D has eaten through the competition so far in the playoffs and we should expect the same today. Let’s hope the Christians are good and hydrated with holy water in order to keep up.

LARRY: This is of course the third season of the TFL, but only the first time we’ve had an actual Trump Bowl, due to the first two being legally blocked by a lawsuit involving the Emoluments Clause of the Constitution.

JACK: It sure is, Larry. But with President Trump’s being elected to an unprecedented third term, he h-

LARRY: Actually, I think FDR was elected fou-

STEPHEN: That never happened.

JACK: So now that President Trump has been reelected again with the Mars vote pushing him over the top, he’s rewritten the Constitution himself and eliminated that clause altogether, as well as 90% of everything else. So we’ve got ourselves a game!

LARRY: Indeed we do! And it looks like the teams are ready to play. The Christians won the toss and have elected to receive.

STEPHEN: Christianity is under assault in this country. We need to make the wall seven hundred feet talle-

LARRY: Here comes the kick, and…it looks like the Lion kicker has eaten the ball. That’s going to be a penalty.

JACK: That’s a shame for the pride, Larry. Now the Christians will start at their own 40 yard line, but they’re still facing a hostile defense out there. Picking up enough yardage for points is going to be a challenge all day.

LARRY: The Christians are led by their quarterback, Jerry Falwell the third, and tend to rely more on their throwing game. But I think it’s safe to say they’re going need a good running effort today.

JACK: That’s for sure. They’ll be running for their lives out there.

LARRY: Here comes the first snap. Falwell drops back, and oh! The nose tackle has got him by the throat! He fumbles and the defensive end eats the ball, but not before Falwell has been pitched aside. Oh boy, he’s not getting up.

JACK: Yeah, he’s losing a lot of blood out there, Larry. Good chance that’s an aorta puncture. Tough to come back from those.

STEPHEN: A perfect metaphor for the state of our immigration policies. President Trump has advocated for tougher standards against those who would persecute American Christians, but the lawless Judicial Branch simply wo-

LARRY: And now is the moment when I’m contractually obligated to tell you how much I love President Trump. Boy, what a fantastic guy! Wouldn’t you agree, Jack?

JACK: You know I have to say yes, Larry. President Trump is truly a stable genius unlike any other.

LARRY: And what’s this? A mauling penalty on the Lions! That seems like it could have gone either way.

JACK: To me, that’s a ticky-tacky call. Falwell was out of the pocket when the Lion’s claws entered his neck, which means it should be a no-call. But given the way the ref has turned green at the sight of the QB bleeding out like that, it’s clear he was just reacting to the gruesome nature of the play, not the rulebook.

LARRY: Gruesome is right, Jack. But that’s the Trump Football League!

STEPHEN: Gruesome is such a cosmopolitan word. Real Americans call this sporting.

LARRY: So now the Christians have a first down on the Lions’ 45. They’ve carted Falwell’s corpse off the field and here comes the backup, Pat…Robertson? Is that actually him?

JACK: It sure is, Larry. He died five years ago but was reincarnated as a gay teenager, so he’s been playing football to try to prove he’s not actually gay.

LARRY: What a world! Okay, Robertson breaks the huddle but now appears to be taunting the Lions and blaming all of America’s sins on them!

JACK: That seems ill-advised, but it could be good for camaraderie on his side of the ball.

STEPHEN: Camaraderie is also cos-

LARRY: Oh, and the Lions have jumped offside! The whole team is devouring the Christians!

JACK: Boy, that’s going to be a heavy blow to overcome. Still in the first drive and all of the offensive linemen have been decapitated.

LARRY: And now the two safeties are attacking the Christians’ sideline! Coach Pence is trying to beat back one with a crucifix, but to no avail! He’s down too!

JACK: I wish I could say this is a battle of Biblical proportions, but it’s no contest out there. The Christians really needed to come in here with a better game plan than relying on their faith, though it looks like that’s all they did.

LARRY: The Lions have even ensnared the Jesus mascot! The whole team is on the ground. We’re going to need a lot of stretchers out there.

JACK: That’s just what this defense will do to you, Larry.

LARRY: The head referee is now signaling a forfeiture! This is incredible! Lions win!

JACK: With one entire team dismembered or dead, there really isn’t any other way to end it. Unfortunate for the Christians, but the Lions knew how to finish stronger. What an amazing game!

LARRY: There you have it, folks. The first ever Trump Bowl. Thanks for sharing it with me, Jack.

JACK: My pleasure, Larry. I had a lot of fun.

STEPHEN: We’ll be outlawing fun later this year.

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