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Old man Winter

February 2nd, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments


LEENA: We now go again to Jason, live in Punxsutawney. Jason?


JASON: Thank you, Leena. I’m still talking with some of the folks who have braved the cold this morning to witness Phil’s weather report. Miss, may I have your name?

SALLY: Sally!

JASON: And why did you come out here today for Groundhog Day?

SALLY: Oh, I love it! Spending time out here with everyone, singing and buying moronic souvenirs. It’s my favorite day of the year!

JASON: Quite the enthusiast! And your name, sir?

ARLIN: Arlin. I’m Arlin.

JASON: Yes, Arlin. What brought you to Punxsutawney today?

ARLIN: My truck broke down over that ridge.

JASON: You’re not here for the festival?

ARLIN: No, I just need to borrow your phone. (grabs mic) Hello! Arlin needs help!

JASON: Sir, you’re shouting into a microphone, not a telephone.

ARLIN: Triple A, can you hear me?

JASON: Moving on. Hello, sir. Who are you and why do you enjoy attending the Groundhog Day festivities?

WINTER: My name’s Winter. You should damn well know that. And I don’t enjoy any of this.

JASON: Well! That’s different and potentially finally interesting. What do you find disagreeable about the event, Mr. Winter?

WINTER: Disagreeable? The whole damn thing is a sideshow. All these dopes gather on top of a mountain to revel in the two-bit wisdom of this beady-eyed varmint, and for what? To lament that he says the season ain’t over yet. And he always does. What a con.

JASON: If I may ask, sir, what’s the con? Phil?

WINTER: Back in my day, something like this wouldn’t exist because it was the Ice Age. That groundhog would be trapped in a glacier. This is just a sideshow that distracts people from the real deal.

JASON: What deal would that be?

WINTER: You whipper snappers are all alike. Can’t keep your eye on the ball. Climate change! Climate change! That’s the issue, sonny.

JASON: Why d-

SALLY: Sorry to interrupt, but can I get a selfie with you? My girlfriends just hated when they moved you off weather and onto human interest. They love you and will be soooooo jealous!

JASON: In a minute, please. Mr. Winter, how is climate change related to Punxsutawney Phil? Or Gobbl-

WINTER: Hell, he is just as much as everything else. All this carbon literally eats at me every hour of the day, and to watch people trivialize me shrinking into my recliner and struggling to breathe by honoring a bloated squirrel and his shadow gets more demoralizing every year.

SALLY: It’s normal to shrink as you get older.

WINTER: Bah, not for me. I used to eat icebergs for lunch. I was on equal footing with Summer.

SALLY: I love iceberg lettuce! It’s a diarrhet-

WINTER: I mean, people liked her more than me, but still. But now. Now, just look at me.

JASON: Are you saying Groundhog Day is offensive to you, sir?

WINTER: (inhales deeply) I should go. Buffalo is overdue for a blizzard.


WINTER: Hey look, you keep your Groundhog Day, okay? Just stop it with all the carbon. This old guy could use it. You reckless bastards are killing me.

JASON: And there you have it, Leena. Some wisdom to reflect on during our six more weeks o-

ARLIN: (grabs mic) Triple-A! Hello?

SALLY: (grabs Jason) Here we go. Smile!

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