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Closing statement

January 26th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

Thank you, your Honor. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury:

Over the last two months, all of you have heard the wild accusations leveled against my client, the defendant, Mr. Andrews. We’ve now reached the conclusion of the evidence, arguments and counterarguments, and all that is left is for all of you to determine Mr. Andrews’ fate. The prosecution has been tenacious in their questions and presentation, but have ultimately failed to introduce evidence that Mr. Andrews committed a crime. I remind you that he has already pleaded guilty to one count of breaking and entering, and that is not the circumstance you will be ruling on today.

Firstly, cannibalism itself is not a crime. Many disagree with the practice and consider it abhorrent, but that is not the case before you. Being in possession of deceased human flesh is illegal, though we have established Mr. Andrews never was in actual possession of it, and therefore did nothing legally incorrect. The corpse was already in the meat locker when Mr. Andrews arrived there, and having not removed the body from the meat hook while taking merely seventeen large bites out of the leg and torso means he was never in possession. Had he wrested the corpse from the hook, we would be in different legal territory, but that was not what occurred. Again, he has conceded he made a mistake breaking into the locker in the first place.

Second, the prosecution has repeatedly disparaged my client for wearing his “Jeffrey Dahmer is my personal hero” T-shirt into the courtroom everyday, which has been allowed despite my red-faced protestations. I will again state that poor taste is not a crime. That…was not an intended pun. Wearing political or personal messages on one’s body is just as much an expression of a citizen’s first amendment rights as singing Semi-Charmed Life in the supermarket checkout line is. Just because the person ahead of you hates Third Eye Blind with a passion does not give them the right to bring legal action against you for it. Incidentally Third Eye Blind is Mr. Andrews’ favorite group, and he enjoys humming that song in particular, so I can assure you I’ve looked this up. Dahmer was bad, but his fan club is not automatically so.

You’ve also heard the testimony of family members of the man who was…chewed on. They’ve made impassioned pleas to punish Mr. Andrews based upon their own personal suffering, but I ask you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury: why would you put your grandfather in a meat locker if you didn’t see this coming? Again, eating human flesh is not illegal. Clearly the logical solution if your hope is to one day revive your elderly grandfather’s lifeless body once a cure for “old age” has been discovered, as was testified, the place to go is a cryogenics laboratory. Putting the corpse next to rows and rows of sides of beef, and on a hook no less, is begging for a mixup of this sort, and as has been established, Mr. Andrews’ motive for entering the locker in the first place was strictly hunger pangs. But again, he is not on trial here today for the break-in.

Some of you may have found it suspicious that Mr. Andrews was not called as a defense witness in this case. While I can appreciate this sentiment, the simple truth is that he had nothing to gain by testifying because nothing illegal happened, leaving aside the B&E. It certainly had nothing to do with his habit of speaking only of Jeffery Dahmer and singing Third Eye Blind lyrics too loudly. Those would be preposterous allegations. The facts of the case speak for themselves and there was no need for Mr. Andrews to reiterate them. All of you have almost certainly forgotten how insufferable that song How’s It Gonna Be is too, but I digress.

In conclusion, I ask you to examine the facts of this case with impartiality and without regard for the ickiness of how others live their lives within the law, excepting illegal entry, which is not relevant. Who among us hasn’t done something that’s gross but technically legal and caused a huge uproar at the annual family picnic? Mr. Andrews is guilty of nothing other than being in the wrong place at the wrong time even though he entered that place illegally, which is not the subject we’re reviewing here. He is simply a victim of circumstance who unfortunately also has sensationally poor t…preferences. I ask you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, to find Herbert Andrews not guilty because that is what he is. Not guilty.

The defense rests, your Honor.

Please let the record show that eating your own finger, as Mr. Andrews is demonstrating now, is also perfectly legal.

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