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January 25th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

Study: researchers developed what they call the General Charisma Inventory to determine how charismatic a person is based on their rating of themselves of 1-5 for six questions, where 5 is the highest.

Am I someone who…

1) …has a presence in a room? (1-5)

2) …has the ability to influence people? (1-5)

3) …knows how to lead a group? (1-5)

4) …makes people feel comfortable? (1-5)

5) …smiles at people often? (1-5)

6) …can get along with anyone? (1-5)



DR. SINGH: Hello and welcome. Thanks for taking the time to sit in for this personality research session.

SAMMY: No problem.

DR. PEARL: What we’re looking at specifically today is the concept of charisma and how much of it individuals consider themselves to possess.

SAMMY: Right. I’m raring to go.

SINGH: Wonderful, let’s begin. Please state your name.

SAMMY: Sammy.

SINGH: And your surname?

SAMMY: Don’t need one. I’ve been rolling with one name for 144 years and there’s no point in changing now.

SINGH: (glancing at PEARL) I see. And your occupation?

SAMMY: I’m the logo for the Republican Party. The GOP.

PEARL: Uh huh. Okay. How would you rate your own presence in a room with others on a scale of one to five?

SAMMY: Presents?

SINGH: Comportment. Poise. Self-assurance.

SAMMY: Oh, I thought you might be talking Christmas. There’s a war on it, you know.


SAMMY: But my presence? Gotta be a five. I’m literally the elephant in the room. Like, two thirds of this entire room is me.

PEARL: Five, noted. How would you rate your ability to influence other people using the same scale?

SAMMY: (whistles) Can I say six? Have you ever seen Fox News?

SINGH: I’ll mark down five.

SAMMY: Oh yeah, it’s a five. Just look at the NRA.

PEARL: How would you rate your capacity for leading a group?

SAMMY: Five.

PEARL: It’s important to analyze your answers for truthfulness as much as possible. So, if I were to point out the Freedom Caucus, say, or the Tea Par-

SAMMY: IT’S FIVE! I know how to wrangle those bastards into shape. Hey, is that a chemtrail outside?

SINGH: Sorry?

PEARL: Let’s keep going. How would you rank your ability to make other people comfortable?

SAMMY: Well, you got me there, doc. That’s a four. Nobody’s perfect, right? Except for our Lord Jesus Christ.

PEARL: Just a minute ago you mentio-

SAMMY: Blessed be His name.

PEARL: …you mentioned your influence on Fox News. Yet Fox’s primary aim is to instill fear in its viewers to keep them coming back and with passion. Many would not consider that something which makes people comfortable exactly, so perh-

SAMMY: What are you talking about? That’s the type of thing some amnesty lover would say. Fox isn’t scaring people, it’s informing them of the evils of sensible government and the benefits of capitalism run amok.

PEARL: But even then, describing the viewers as “comfortable” seems a bit-

SAMMY: Damn it, that IS a chemtrail out there. Look, the liberal media is run by a Jewish cabal with Democrat money, and they WANT you to think that what Fox says is crazy, when it’s in fact the only outlet for the truth. It’s all George Soros’ fault. And Hillary Clinton’s.

SINGH: I’ll write down four.

SAMMY: She should be in prison! Lock her u-

PEARL: One through five, would you say you smile at people often?

SAMMY: A five! I’m smiling right now!

SINGH: It doesn’t look lik-

SAMMY: Well, the tusks make it a little hard to see. Also, I have this four-inch deep frown line on my forehead, but that’s just from furrowing my brow whenever I discuss the Deep State.

PEARL: Of course, the question refers to people you don’t necessary care for as well. Do you think you smile at people with whom you disagree?

SAMMY: Obviously not, but that’s not an issue for me because I never venture outside my own little bubble. I find it quite relaxing in here. Hold on, is that ANOTHER chemtrail?

SINGH: We’ll say a four, okay?

SAMMY: They control the weather that way, see. The Dems. They invent these fictions like “climate change” and “human rights,” and the sheeple in this country just nod along. That’s why we can’t let them take away our guns!

SINGH: Fine, five.

PEARL: Last one. Up to five, how do you rate your ability to get along with anyone?

SAMMY: Gotta be a five here too. I’m thick as thieves with the business community! Evangelicals and lobbyists too!

PEARL: Please note that I said “anyone.”

SAMMY: Sure, and that’s who I mean. I can sit and grouse about affirmative action all day with anybody.


SAMMY: Except for black people, I suppose. They tend to get upset. The Hispanics too.

SINGH: So, maybe a tw-

SAMMY: Pro-choicers. Scientists. Foreigners too. Jews. Except for some of the Israeli ones.

SINGH: I’ll mark zero.

SAMMY: And Muslims, obviously.

SINGH: Minus one.

SAMMY: They want to foist Sharia Law on all of us and impose even more restrictions on women than I do! If you ask me, we should just nuke Mecca and ge-

PEARL: I think we’re done here.

SAMMY: Holy hell, a third chemtrail! You’re right, I’ve got to go. The gun store closes in twenty minutes.

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