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It’s stupifyingly obvious that I should be the next CEO

January 24th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

TO: THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS

RE: THE RECENTLY OPENED CEO POSITION

Dear Board,

I see that our beloved CEO is stepping down and cashing in his golden parachute now that the 79th employee has accused him of sexual misconduct. This is truly a stain on our corporate atmosphere here at Gags and Giggles Inc., and while many are wondering if Mr. Davidson should have waited until his accusers totaled three digits, I for one am relieved we’re moving on to what I hope is a brighter future. And in the spirit of improving our employees’ morale and success, I am hereby announcing my desire to be promoted to Mr. Davidson’s former role as CEO. There are numerous reasons I feel qualified for the position, as I will explain.

I have never been accused of sexual misconduct here. Okay, this deserves a qualification in that my accuser withdrew her accusation after I was able to successfully explain to HR that I was innocent, but still. Dressing up a robot to resemble myself and programming it to chase Janet all around the office while repeatedly playing a recording of me saying “yeah baby” was in poor taste, but I was technically not doing it myself. Besides, it was meant to be funny, not harassing, and out-of-the-box thinking like that is what we need at the top of Gags and Giggles in order to succeed in the cutthroat world of novelty humor, even if it doesn’t always work.

I am a registered sex offender. I know what you’re thinking! But I want to be up front about this, because while there is a loophole in the state’s law that requires me to inform my neighbors of this unpleasant fact, but not my employer, any CEO needs to be brutally honest with himself and the board. The details of what happened at that roller rink all those years ago are not important here. What is crucial is that I reflect on that incident every time I meet with my parole officer, and that type of thoughtfulness and introspection is just what leadership demands.

My haircut is one of the top five in the company, possibly top three. Good impressions start at the top, and no one can dispute my haircut’s impressive uniformity. This standard prison-issue ‘do wastes no time projecting an air of confidence and organization that is key in an administrative position. Studies have shown people don’t respect others who have inferior haircuts. Just ask Bob. No one thinks of Bob as much more than a janitor, and yet, he’s the COO of the company. People would not be telling me about the clogged toilet on the fourth floor if I were in charge. They’d simply salute when I entered the room.

That was a joke, Bob! I know you’re reading this and it’s probably embarrassing that I’m calling out your hackneyed hairstyle, but that’s how humor works. And humor’s important around here, after all. That’s our product line! Everyone laughed at my cracks in the slammer, because I knew a spectrum of jokes from Pollack ones to Chinese ones, so I kept them all on their toes. Understanding diversity is critical as the face of a company, after all.

I lied on my resume and in my interview. No, not just about the sex registry thing. The lies were more centered on my previous experience and education, neither of which I possess. But everyone knows massaging the truth is a valued skill in the corporate world when it comes to explaining any given quarter’s loss to shareholders. You can’t just tell them that we doubled down on fake vomit for the seventeenth year in a row. The message needs to be more nuanced, or at the very least distracting. I would simply point out how much the vomit looks like Bob’s hair and let the laughs ensue. That’s being a visionary!

In conclusion, these are the prized qualities in a business leader that the corporate world values, and installing me as the next CEO is the only sensible way forward. I look forward to meeting each of you soon to discuss this transition. Also, if you could make the announcement soon, I would greatly appreciate it. The salary increase would allow me to afford a better lawyer and possibly avoid conviction in my current murder one trial. And while I could potentially learn more hilarious racist jokes back in prison, I feel my talents will be put to better use leading Gags and Giggles into the future, and I’m sure you agree.

Thank you for your consideration,

Chris Mangellon

Inmate 48692249 Loading dock worker

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