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(slightly) alternate universe

January 22nd, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments


RANDY: I’m just not sure. It really is out of my budget range. I think I’ll have to pass.

SAL: Completely understood, sir. But before you go, let me see if my colleague has a moment to speak to you. He really is the most knowledgeable person on the lot about this vehicle and can explain the benefits better than me.

RANDY: Well…

SAL: One second! I’ll go find him right now! (dashes away)


(Sal opens an office door, revealing a desk and a pleather-covered chair facing backwards. Poking above the chair is the back of an elongated head. The back of the chair has “MVP” stenciled onto it.)

SAL: Sheriff, I need your help out on the lot. I’m about to lose this sale!

(chair turns around)

PEYTON MANNING: In a bit of a pickle, eh, Sal? Well, don’t you sweat it. I’ll close this deal for ya, sport.


MANNING: Hello there, partner. How you doin’ today?

RANDY: Oh, I’m alright, I suppose. I was just telling your coworker that I don’t think this is the right car for me. Too expensive, I’m afraid.

MANNING: Well, money is a factor in any decision like this, of course, but you won’t find a better deal on one of these babies anywhere.

RANDY: Yeah, I just don’t think…wait, don’t I know you from somewhere?

MANNING: It’s possible. People recognize me all the time.

RANDY: You do look familiar. Did we go to school together or something?

MANNING: Could be. Or you might just recognize me from my picture that’s on the giant sign when you pull into the lot.

RANDY: No, that’s not it…

MANNING: I’m also in all of our TV spots. You know, “no one outduels the sheriff on savings!” Those are running around the clock.

RANDY: Hmm. That doesn’t sound right either.

MANNING: Could be that you’ve seen me in the ad for the diner out by the interstate too. I’m featured in a few of theirs.

RANDY: Which din-

MANNING: I also emcee the police ball every year. And appear in the newspaper ads for the Firestone.

RANDY: The one on Main?

MANNING: Yes. The one right off Oak too. And the one that’s about twenty miles south of here. And the one that’s just over the state line. And the o-

RANDY: No, I don’t think it’s any of those.

(horn honks)

MANNING: Is that your car over there doing that?

RANDY: Yeah, my wife is waiting for me in it. Sounds like she’s lost her patience. Maybe I should just go.

MANNING: Hold up there, my man! We’ve still got some time here, and if she does get too steamed at you, I know a great marriage counseler. Did a couple radio ads for him last year. Maybe that’s how you recognize me.

RANDY: How would I recognize your face from the radio?

MANNING: Heh. Well, you got me there, buddy. I guess you could have paired my voice up from those spots to all the TV ones I did for the hospital.

RANDY: Why would a hospital buy advertising?

MANNING: Oh, they don’t. I just make my own shoots for them and then pay to have them aired.

RANDY: Ohh…kay. Look, I should be going.

MANNING: You know what it probably is? I stand out in front of Hardee’s a lot to tell people about the specials of the day. Today’s Tuesday, you know. Great day for a milkshake! Fifty cents off!

RANDY: Yeah, sure. I-

MANNING: Could be all the cardboard cutouts of myself I stapled to all the telephone poles in town too. Lots of people have seen those.

(horn honks again)

RANDY: Really, I should go.

MANNING: We haven’t even talked about the car, fella! I can get you great financing on it too. The Westbridge bank that’s downtown offers a fantastic APR. Take it from me. For just 5% down, you can start living your dream today!

RANDY: Um. Oka-

MANNING: I’m on a few of their billboards and you can’t believe how professional they are. You show up and someone’s got a coffee waiting for you. The good stuff, too. It’s from the Three Sisters Roastery. Maybe you’ve seen me in their web ads.

RANDY: Wait a minute! That’s it! I know who you are. You’re Peyton Manning!

MANNING: Yes, that’s m-

RANDY: (shouting over shoulder) Hey honey! This is the doofus whose brother is in the NFL!

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