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One year down

January 20th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

Literally the goddamn President of the United States

January 20, 2018, marks the one-year anniversary of President Donald Trump (shudder) taking office. How’s that been going?

From this morning

Christ. But what a year it’s been! No one could figure out who won best picture, slamming passengers’ faces into armrests to assist in removing them from planes became a thing, Chris Christie soaked up ALL the sun, the fucking Patriots somehow won the Super Bowl againthere were storms, there were shootings, there was a shitload of harassment, on and on, and ugh, I haven’t even gotten to anything Trump did yet.

And honestly, what’s the point of running through any of it? A dumbfounding number of us are still staring at this trainwreck in complete disbelief and anger that feels increasingly useless. We more than know what’s already happened and dread what’s to come. It seems exhausting to attempt recapping, and Mueller isn’t going to save anybody anytime soon, so let’s skip it all and just run through some fun stats illustrating how different the world is today compared to one year ago.

  • 91% of Americans currently want to punch Jared Kushner in the face, up 24% from January 2017.
  • More than half the country is familiar with the story of Narcissus for the first time in history.
  • Nuclear panic has risen 37% over the past twelve months.
  • The Dow Jones is over 26,000, up more than 6000 compared to last year, and it’s definitely not a bubble. Can’t be. Your Bitcoin is totally worth that much, absolutely.

I feel you, Justin

  • 99% of Muslims outside the U.S. have no idea if they’re even allowed in at this point, and 99% of that number wouldn’t want to go anymore even if they could, up from 98% 52 weeks ago.
  • A majority of registered voters are now certain that Don Jr. is dumber than Eric, a flip from twelve months prior.
  • The word “snowflake” will currently make you 58% more annoyed than it did one year ago, which is a real shame because snowflakes are so pretty.
  • Congressional Democrats possess 9% more spine than in January 2017, the biggest increase in history. All it took was the death of the republic!

The Consoler-in-Chief

  • Illegal immigrants’ panic index has risen 2770% in the past 365 days.
  • Only 2% more Americans approve of former President Obama than they did one year ago. In related news, 89% of Americans no longer possess capacity for perspective.
  • 9% of citizens believe Melania is a witch, up from 4% last year.
  • More men exclusively pee sitting down now than at any other point in history, 31%.

Just another day in the Oval Office

  • All forms of parody have become 135% more challenging compared to January 2017.
  • Michael Flynn has one more plea deal than he did twelve months ago, and Paul Manafort is 14 pounds heavier.
  • Two in ten Americans now follow social media accounts that highlight hilarious CNN chryons, up from absolutely nobody last year.
  • Nazis are currently 8% more popular than they were one year ago, which is really something we should be working on, people.

One bright bulb, three dim ones, and an arrogant clownfish

  • More than two in five citizens have reported crying while eating, a half-person increase in twelve months.
  • 491 metric tons of CO2 were released into the atmosphere by the United States, up 14 metric tons from a year ago. 28% of that was from Trump himself, actually down 2% from 2017.
  • 12% of Americans believed me when I told them Trump once ate a mirror, an increase of 7% over the past year.
  • Everyone everywhere is now 365 days closer to death and we’re all likely worse for it, but .001% wiser too.

“Don’t worry, Mitt! You can still be secretary of my crotch!”

God bless us, everyone.

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