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Improving the Facebook user experience!

January 18th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

Dear valued Facebook user,

I’m writing you today because your feedback is important to us and we want you to know that we’ve been listening. As of today, Facebook is rolling out new features to best address our users’ concerns, which are detailed below. This is just the first step in a series of improvements we’ll be implementing in the coming year to give you the best experience on Facebook yet. We’re excited to be making these upgrades and know you are too. So, without further ado…

Fake news – boy, did we hear about this one! Our previous algorithms for filtering out inaccurate news stories weren’t doing their jobs properly, largely because they didn’t exist. But they do now! We’ve devised 17 new algorithms strictly for filtering news feeds that will cross reference one another, while also employing 39 other algorithms that will fact-check the articles in real time. The fact-checkers then communicate this information to the filters, which makes the cycle begin anew. The great thing about this feature is that we’ve made it so complex that you’ll never actually see any news articles on your feed because they’re all trapped in this bizarre self-perpetuating flowchart. Who cares if it’s fake or real if no one ever sees it, right?

Cyberbullying – this is another area we were criticized for ignoring, which I find to be an unfair characterization because in truth we knew about it but just didn’t care. There’s a difference! But all the same, teenagers jumping off bridges because of what their peers said to them over our network is something we are now working to curb because I’m told this is the best legal strategy even if we’re still exceedingly apathetic about the whole thing. So, beginning today, anyone under the age of 25 will not be able to message, friend or even see information from anyone else who’s 25 or under. We determined this was the ideal age to use as a cutoff because anyone over 25 is immune to criticism and never gets depressed by what others say about him/her. I read some article that said that last year while I was still reading all that fake news. Some may say this also cuts off young people from contact with their actual friends, but we’ve concluded this concern is overblown. I’ve never had any friends and I turned out fine. I mean, I’m a billionaire!

Violent content – many of you were concerned that we have not been doing enough to keep violent or traumatizing videos out of unsuspecting users’ feeds. Others were upset that there was not enough violent content available. To bridge this impasse, we’ve devised what I believe to be the perfect solution. Going forward, 90% of everything you see on our site will be violent videos, mostly clips from old action movies. Whoa, lots of you are saying, didn’t you hear us say that’s not what we want? Well, first of all, can the attitude please, because I already addressed that at the beginning of the paragraph, but second: let me explain. Studies have shown that heavy exposure to violence desensitizes the viewer and eventually he/she no longer responds to it in any real emotional way. Did you read or see A Clockwork Orange? There’s a bit of a commitment for people up front to get accustomed, I’ll concede, but I promise the experience will be rich and rewarding, just like it always is on Facebook!

This isn’t Twitter – jeepers, everybody. We know! But we understand your concerns and will be rolling out a new feature next month where you can yell at a specific person or the whole world but only in 187 characters. It will allow you to go down endless rabbit holes of angry conversations about the most ridiculous things imaginable, which is definitely a new feature for us, totally. We’re sure you’ll love it! (pro tip: acting out your message as an action scene will probably get you through the new algorithms quicker)

Keep on ‘booking,

Zuck

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