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Slow cooker depressed chicken

January 15th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

This week’s recipe is an old one from my childhood, a classic my grandmother used to make, usually for Easter. The briny stew is sure to please the whole family and pairs perfectly with potatoes, salad, beans or generally any side you prefer. Everyone loves the taste of this down and out dish yet will feel terrible and hollow inside for days afterward. The perfect Easter, especially if you’re Catholic.

A few things to note regarding the ingredients:

  • It’s important to pick the saddest looking chicken available in your market. Do not buy a frozen one! They are all unhappy of course, but their emotions get stunted in the freezer and I recommend sticking to the meat counter. Ask the butcher for the grayest whole chicken on hand or one that happens to have been isolated from the others and is likely more prone to loneliness.
  • This recipe calls for 2 cups of teardrops, which is a considerable amount. My grandmother watched a lot of people die over the years, so she had collected a pantry full of her own from many, many funerals and was never lacking, but naturally the majority of us are not as prepared. There are many resources out there though. I myself prefer Gwyneth Paltrow’s line of bottled tears that I order from Amazon, and you can get as fancy as actual crocodile tears, which I hear are the truffle oil of teardrops.
  • Adding three diced habanero peppers into the sauté stage is recommended if you want to actually cry while preparing or eating. For me, the recipe is better repressed, but if you need to let it out, wail away.


  • 1 whole wholly despondent chicken, quartered
  • 1/2 cup salted butter
  • 2 cups teardrops
  • 1 cup chicken broth
  • 1 cup celery, thinly sliced
  • 1 cup carrots, diced
  • 1 1/2 cups diced tomatoes
  • 1 cup diced yellow onion
  • 3 cloves garlic, minced
  • 2 tbsp salt
  • 1 tbsp black pepper
  • 1 tsp rosemary
  • 1 tsp dried parsley
  • 1/2 tsp paprika
  • 3 grams serotonin
  • 1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro


  1. Mix dry ingredients and set aside.
  2. Melt butter at medium heat in sauce pan, then add onion and garlic. Lament your life.
  3. Wait 3-5 minutes until onion is soft, then add carrots, tomatoes and celery. Reduce heat.
  4. Throw serotonin into garbage.
  5. Stir in dry ingredients and cover. Simmer for 5 minutes.
  6. Retrieve serotonin from the garbage, but crack the packaging in the process.
  7. Refocus on your sauce. Move pan’s contents to slow cooker.
  8. Note how all the serotonin has leaked onto the floor and is hopelessly unavailable.
  9. Add chicken, chicken broth and tears to slow cooker. Cover.
  10. Realize it’s your fault and you never deserved proper chemical balance in the first place.
  11. Set slow cooker to high for 5-6 hours.
  12. Reset the timer for additional hour so you can continue hating yourself without distraction.
  13. Remove contents from cooker, debone and carve chicken. Sprinkle cilantro over mixture and serve.
Categories: satan
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