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January 14th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments


ALLEN: Ah, here we are.


ALLEN: After traveling for nearly two years through outer space, hurtling at unthinkable speeds through the abyss, huddling together inside our rickety rocket for warmth, nearly starving on our meager rations of freeze-dried spam, and narrowly escaping doom at the hands of the asteroid pirates, we’ve reached our destination, the planet Sison.

MARCUS: Thanks for the reminder.

ALLEN: I imagined it cheerier, didn’t you?

MARCUS: I’ve had time to temper my expectations.

ALLEN: Well, no matter. Now we can finally get started on our crucially important work.

MARCUS: I guess.

ALLEN: And that work, of course, begins with –

(DENICE enters)

DENICE: Jesus, this place is a hellscape. I thought there were supposed to be two suns!

ALLEN: Oh, there you are, Denice. Get stuck in the canteen again?

DENICE: Look, bozo, we’ve been over that. Your empty spam can was wedged into the hinge. And anyway, that was eighteen months ago.

ALLEN: Ha ha, ladies and the restroom. An inseparable bond.

DENICE: What are you talking about? Wasn’t your wife divorcing you over the satellite video feed enough to get you to stop making sexist cracks?

ALLEN: I’ve told you, that was obviously an alien imposter pretending to be Judy. She has mannerisms that would be easy to affect.

DENICE: Alien-like mannerisms?

ALLEN: More imposter-like.

MARCUS: So where do we start?

ALLEN: Thank you, Marcus. As I was saying, first, it’s crucial that we –

(MONSTER enters)

DENICE: Holy shit!

ALLEN: What the…? Gaaahhh!!!

(MONSTER drags ALLEN offstage)

MARCUS: What should we do?

DENICE: I’m not sure. I think I need to go to the restroom.

MARCUS: Damn, he had the last of the spam too.


(ALLEN rushes onstage)

ALLEN: That was close! Luckily for me, I remembered what Hoorshu the asteroid pirate said when he was trying to kill me. He said, “When the circumstances have you flailing against hope, always remember to…”

(MONSTER reenters and drags ALLEN offstage)

ALLEN: …Gaaahhhh!!

DENICE: Oh, hell. He can’t even die without fucking it up.

MARCUS: I should have asked about the spam.

DENICE: I guess we should go after him.

MARCUS: He is the captain.

DENICE: I meant for the spam.

MARCUS: That too. Okay, so first…

(ALLEN rushes onstage again)

ALLEN: Thank God I had that spam! I managed to get it stuck in the hinge of its jaw.

DENICE: What a surprise.

MARCUS (peering offstage): Is it alive?

ALLEN: Yes, and quite angry I’m afraid. I’m not much of a diplomat.

DENICE: What? It was trying to eat you! God, you’re a moron.

ALLEN: We don’t know the local customs, Denice. That could have been its version of a welcome mat. Or a mating ritual.

MARCUS: Yeesh.

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