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January 13th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments


JIN KUBO: Everyone, we are facing a grave situation. I need all of you to watch this immediately.

YUKI WATANABE: This is perilous!

MIKI SAITO: Calamitous!

HARUTO WADA: Shuddersome! What? You two took the good ones.

KUBO: It is indeed ominous, precarious and above all, portentous.

WADA: Damn!

AYA MIYAZAKI: Mr. Kubo, are you suggesting that this “cooking with your mouth” is a sign of things to come?

KUBO: I most certainly am. This will inevitably go viral, then become a fad, then a trend, at which point it will cut sharply (winks) into the Ginsu knife business. I’ve called all of you here today to devise a way for us to weather this storm.

(hushed silence)

SAITO: Could we make our knives sharper somehow?

KUBO: We have the sharpest knives in the world! You know that! We’re a mainstay of the cutlery industry!

SAITO: Sorry.

MIYAZAKI: Are we really so sure this mouth prep will become something many people engage in? It seems disgusting.

KUBO: Of course! People are shameless and stupid and keep getting worse, especially in Europe and the Americas. They’re cooking salmon in their dishwashers over there!

WATANABE: But people love Ginsu! How could they turn their backs on our quality-crafted blades like that?

KUBO: It’s a cruel world, even for balanced craftsmanship and design such as ours. Barbarous.

WADA: Damn!

SAITO: I have a thought. I attended graduate school with an American entrepreneur, who is always bursting with ideas. We could call him for advice. His name is Jimmy Buck.

KUBO: Fine, anything is worth a try. I can hear this mouth trend chewing (winks) into our sales already.

(SAITO dials number on conference phone)

JIMMY BUCK: (on phone) Howdy?

SAITO: Jimmy! Jimmy Buck! This is Miki! From the University of Phoenix?

BUCK: (on phone) Well, shit! Miki Mantle! How the hell you doin’, girl?

SAITO: I am well, thank you. Jimmy, I am calling you from the boardroom of the Ginsu Corporation. We have an urgent situation regarding the food-chopping-by-mouth movement. Are you familiar with it?

BUCK: (on phone) Oh, hell. Yeah, I sure as shit am. My sister-in-law did that for our all vegetables over the holidays. Kinda strange. Course, I’ve been wanting to neck with her for years, so I was into it, but my kid threw up three times watching her and wouldn’t eat a thing. Had to stop at McDonald’s on the way home.

SAITO: Very good. Our concern is this method will increase in popularity and drive down the sales of Ginsu knives. I’m here with my colleagues, Yuki, Haruto, Aya, and our president, Jin Kubo.

BUCK: (on phone) Howdy, everyone. (pause) So everyone’s Japanese? Aren’t you an American company?

KUBO: Indeed we are, but as with everything under the sun, we are only limited by our creator’s imagination. (stares intently into camera)

BUCK: (on phone) Uh huh, right. As for the topic at hand, I’d say you have to play offense here. Really go after these Chewy Armstrongs. Hardball.

KUBO: I see. What would you have in mind?

BUCK: (on phone) Well, Kubo Jackson, you’ve got to start at home. Hit ’em where it hurts. You need a Ginsu knife that you put in your mouth.

WATANABE: Interesting. A sort of mouthpiece, but with jagged spokes extending from it. Like a food processor where the customer’s mouth is the motor.

BUCK: (on phone) Sure, knock yourself out. But you can’t stop there. A new product is your public response. You also need a whisper campaign.

SAITO: Whisper campaign?

BUCK: (on phone) You know, disinformation. Fake news. Bullshit. It’s all the rage over here. Make some Twitter bots that respond to any posts about food preparation by mouth with a link to an article about how all diseases originate on the tongue or something. This shit is actually ridiculously easy.

KUBO: Unless you possess a stunted imagination. (stares into camera again)

BUCK: (on phone) Well, PGT Kuboregard, I’m not sure what you’re so bitter about, but there is one last tactic you can employ for maximal success. Go retro!

MIYAZAKI: As in a throwback? Embrace the past?

BUCK: (on phone) Hell yes. You play up your 1980s roots, cling to that weirdness. It helps that you’re all conveniently Japanese. Start showing your original infomercial everywhere again even if it may seem racist in retrospect. Racism is hip right now! People love that shit!

MIYAZAKI: A precocious concept.

WADA: Damn!

KUBO: (still staring into camera, clenching fists)

BUCK: (on phone) Also, I think that’s an aluminum can he’s cutting, which technically isn’t tin…

SAITO: Maybe we should go.

(KUBO begins hostilely walking toward the camera as we fade into the original Ginsu commerical)

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