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Oral arguments

January 12th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

INT. COURTROOM CHAMBER, DAYTIME

CHIEF JUSTICE ROBERTS: That was quite an adventure. I don’t think I’ve ever heard a case like this one. I mean, paying alimony with succulents?

JUSTICE KENNEDY: It is certainly a unique circumstance. Not much precedent that I can recall.

JUSTICE SOTOMAYOR: I believe something tangential to this occurred in Neiman vs. Marcus in 1978, though not with this degree of specificity.

ROBERTS: Ah, yes. Neiman. But wasn’t that child support and rubber plants? This is totally different.

JUSTICE GORSUCH: (playing with toy train) Choo choooooo!

JUSTICE KAGAN: Jesus Christ. Can we please dismiss him or something?

JUSTICE ALITO: I’ve warned you about taking the Lord’s name in vain.

KAGAN: I’m Jewish, moron.

JUSTICE THOMAS: Is it possible to be racist against yourself? I think that’s what I am now.

ALITO: Oh, absolutely. Good for you for coming to that realization. I hate that you’re black.

ROBERTS: Are we allowed to say that now? Great. Me too. Fuck you, Clarence. The black part, I mean.

THOMAS: Understandable. Say, Elena, is that a hair on your soda can?

KAGAN: Again with that? Oh my god.

ALITO: Ahem.

JUSTICE GINSBURG: Zzzzzzzzzzzz…

GORSUCH: All aboard!

JUSTICE BREYER: How the hell do you open these yogurt packages? I can never get them open.

KENNEDY: As I was saying, there isn’t much precedent for this case, but I believe Sonya has a point about Neiman.

KAGAN: While rubber plants and succulents are not precisely the same, the use of them as currency had similar effects in that case as in this one. I think there’s something there.

THOMAS: Speaking of rubbers…

ROBERTS: I’m not sure. Rubber plants are essentially the same as fig trees. In that case, the currency could in theory produce food and therefore have actual monetary value. What food does a succulent create?

KENNEDY: Aloe?

ALITO: Pineapples, right? Isn’t that where pineapples come from?

ROBERTS: I was being rhetorical.

SOTOMAYOR: But rubber plants aren’t fig trees and don’t grow figs. Just because they’re in the same genus doesn’t make them the same species. You’re not being rhetorical, you’re being overly sweeping again.

GORSUCH: Uh oh! Looks like the Acela Express got derailed by liberal values! (throws train onto floor)

BREYER: Yogurt used to come in tins, like it was an MRE. You’d just pull the tab, remove the lid and slurp out that delicious dairy. This thing looks like it came from space.

GINSBURG: Zzzzzzzzzz…

KENNEDY: Pineapples grow more like flowers and are of the ananas genus, Sam.

GORSUCH: I’m the genus here.

KAGAN: God, I fucking hate you.

ALITO: Ahem!

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