Home > fuck > The only way to get these forty alligators out is through the nursing home

The only way to get these forty alligators out is through the nursing home

January 10th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

Okay, folks. Thanks to all of you for coming here on such short notice. I know this isn’t the most typical assignment for our crew, but being a volunteer firefighter isn’t just about fighting fires, you know. It’s about serving our community in any way we can in order to make a difference for the better. Be that rescuing citizens from their cars when they’re trapped in floodwaters, pushing fallen logs from the highway or getting Mrs. McNealy’s dog’s head unstuck from her fence again, betterment is our core mission.

Which brings me to the, er, situation we find ourselves in today. As some of you may know, a truck carrying a traveling alligator show crashed on Main Street a couple hours ago, which resulted in the cargo escaping and retreating to the nearest unpaved habitat, which happened to be the koi pond in Sarah Hendricks’ backyard. There are forty alligators in total, and Sarah is demanding the removal of them from her property immediately. I should also mention that the reptiles somehow got into what the driver calls his “pep pills,” so they are more agitated than you may expect. This is our challenge.

We have a number of limitations here. The most obvious is that Sarah is my ex-wife and has a restraining order against me as well as all of you due to that one July fourth when our party got a bit out of control, so we cannot get within fifty feet of the house. Additionally, we cannot legally shoot, burn, bludgeon, stab or strangle any animal within the township limits due to the laws that were passed in response to the public outcry from the Labor Day bash we threw a couple months later. Lastly, most of us have developed a fear of alligators as a result of the Cinco de Mayo fiesta three years ago when there was a live one inside the piñata. Yes, Larry, you got us good.

All of which leads me to my proposed solution: that we lure the alligators out Sarah’s back gate and into the adjacent lot, which happens to be the nursing home. Now, I know what most of you are thinking, particularly you, Edgar. How is endangering your grandmother our only recourse in this dilemma? I’ve outlined most of the reasons our options are limited already, most notably the restraining order problem, and the back gate is only section of fence that’s fifty feet from the house. Trying to access the fence from either of the neighbors’ houses will also not work due to each of them having restraining orders of their own due to that one Christmas. No, the other one. So the nursing home is the only exit for these reptiles. Stop crying, Edgar.

I’m fairly certain if we make sure the nurses medicate everyone in the home first to keep them from getting up, the alligators won’t bother anyone who’s in bed. Alligators can’t climb, can they? Anyone know? Well, it doesn’t seem like they could with those stubby legs. I’m sure it will be fine. Jesus, Edgar, get a hold of yourself. So, we block as many alternate paths as we can in the home, routing the gators toward the loading dock, where my van will be waiting for them to wander into. I think they’re kind of like pack animals, so if we get one going, they all should follow. I wouldn’t expect more than a couple to wander off, which is only like 5% of the total. That would still be an A if this was a spelling test, and how badly could only two of them really maim those poor frail waifs anyway?

Now, we don’t have any bait, which may be a problem. None of us are allowed in the pet store after we drove the firetruck into it on Memorial Day two years ago, and as I already reminded you, we can’t shoot anything in town. So we can try some various dog foods, but I’m hopeful the smell of the old folks will lure the alligators away from the koi and toward the home on its own. Animals instinctively hunt prey, and surely the scent of easily catchable human flesh would entice them. They’ve got to be more savory than some stupid fish, right? Edgar! Christ, man.

Everyone on board? All right. Let’s get moving and see if we can’t bag those gators before sundown. I’ve got one hell of a St. Patrick’s Day party set up for tonight!

Categories: fuck
  1. No comments yet.
  1. No trackbacks yet.