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On the road

January 5th, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

While touring in the 80s, Van Halen famously had a provision in their performance contract stating there should be a bowl of M&Ms backstage but that all the brown ones should be removed. This seems petty, vain and obnoxious at first blush, but the purpose of the instruction was to serve as a simple way to determine if the contract had been read thoroughly prior to their arrival. If there were brown M&Ms in the bowl, there were almost certainly other things that had not been attended to, many of which could seriously derail the show. In this spirit, I’ve compiled a list of provisions in my contract for my upcoming jaw harp tour.

  • One gallon of ice water
  • “Elephant Road” by Looping Jaw Harp Orchestra on vinyl
  • A world map including the Ottoman Empire (must be post-1882; I will not tolerate Egypt not being shown as independent)
  • Xanax
  • An extremely fluffy cat
  • Jaw Harp Self-Instruction Method by M.M. Cole
  • The number of a woman who can call me in the middle of the performance in case it’s not going well and pretend to be my mother. Must be able to shriek “oh my god my foot has fallen off” with extreme believability
  • An amnesia ray in the event someone in the audience knows my mother has been dead for more than a decade
  • Valium
  • A fruit basket (NO ORANGES)
  • One mouth guard
  • Mace
  • “Play the Jaw Harp” by David Holt on 8-track
  • Do people still make snuff films? I always wanted to see one
  • Something blue
  • A copy of the Avengers issue #22, the one that introduced the ill-advised Power Man
  • A Power Man cosplay outfit
  • Atavan
  • A good libel lawyer who’s knowledgeable in suing critics who write bad reviews
  • Lutefisk
  • Tartar sauce
  • Five liters of mouthwash
  • Learn From Mike Seeger How to Jaw Harp by Mike Seeger
  • The new Taylor Swift album on cassette
  • An orange tree (PICK ALL FRUIT OFF FIRST AND DON’T PUT IT IN THE FRUIT BASKET!)
  • 500 feet of extension cord
  • Klonopin
  • Self esteem
  • One jaw harp
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