Bogey men

February 17th, 2019 No comments

Just when you start to think
This game isn’t that tough
You drive into the drink
Then slice deep in the rough

“Motherfucker!” you yell
Flinging the club at a tree
For now you know full well
You’ll never make the par three

Your partner hits his shot
Grunting with the poor swing
This moron that you brought
Has just done the same thing

He hurls the wood as he mopes
Then storms off of hole two
In no time you pair of dopes
Broke four clubs between you

Categories: shit

Lady repellant

February 16th, 2019 No comments

Hey man! You know, I think it’s great that you got that new job and are finally doing something that’s related to your degree. Muddling along all these years has been a burden on you, but you’ve turned a corner and everyone’s really happy for you. Anyway, you’re 27 and I feel like it’s time we review something that should have come up before now. I kept thinking you’d piece this together on your own, but it seems not, so here it is: your towel rack, friend.

You have one bath towel in the bathroom and no others. I’ve checked your closets and I would have looked in the laundry hamper too, but you don’t have one. In my dozens of visits over here, that same purple towel is always on the rack, and this never deviates. But a dirty little secret no one ever tells you about being an adult is that you need more than one towel. Several, in fact. The reason no one says this is because it’s presumed you can figure this out on your own. Well.

You’ve noticed that on the rare occasions you’ve managed to bring a girl home, she always leaves in the morning, right? Didn’t you even tell me that one got up, seemed cheerful and said she was going to wash up, but then abruptly had to leave after going into the bathroom? Take a hint, man! Ladies can smell immaturity a mile away, and this place reeks. Christ, you don’t even have a hand towel in there. You expected her to dry her hands on the same piece of fabric you dry your balls with every day? Of course she made for the hills!

So, my advice to you is to head over to Target and find the Martha Stewart aisle. Pick up a few of everything and then cycle through them whenever you do laundry. You do do that regularly, right? Actually, never mind. I don’t want to know. One can’t miss item in the towel area of Target is a bath sheet, though. The big one. Use one of those and you’ll never have to use the same part of it twice anywhere on your body after you shower. That would be a true new experience for you, and may even make you smell better, guy.

Categories: death

Escape from extinction

February 15th, 2019 No comments

Theory: the Deccan Traps’ violent eruptions stage the stage for the dinosaurs’ extinction

I know everyone’s tired from the journey, and the good news is I think we can finally stop here. It’s been exhausting getting here, but I maintain that we had no choice other than to evacuate the subcontinent we were on. All of our friends were being swallowed up by lava floes! The incessant roaring of their agonized voices still gives me nightmares. There was simply no way out for us but to run.

Now, I know many of you are of the opinion that we didn’t need to run nearly as far as I’ve led us. Believe me, you’ve made that clear. It’s just that, I don’t know, I have this weird hunch that it was the only way we’d survive. Yes, hundreds of us perished along the way as well, but most of us didn’t. Take a look around! All of you are survivors and should be proud of that! Nature gave us her best shot and we came out on top!

Getting over all those mountains was arduous, and walking along the coastline felt like an eternity. All of that ice was painful on everyone’s feet, only to be followed by another seeming lifetime of walking along the ocean again. I’m leaving out a lot, I know, but my point is that every last one of you has a cause to celebrate. We’ve reached our new home! And I think we should call it something really cool to remind us of our luck. Something like Yucatan maybe.

First, I sure could use something to eat. Couldn’t all of you? Well, let’s divide into groups and take a look around for what’s available to us. I’ll go this way, and some of you can go that w… Say, do you guys see something up there in the sky? Like a little dark boulder? Seems like it’s getting bigger too. And fast! Have any of you ever seen a shadow get so huge so fast? It’s like a huge object is falling out of the sky and coming right at us and OH MY G-

Categories: satan

Count us out

February 14th, 2019 No comments

Hell no, we don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. Why would we? It’s just a made-up holiday that exists to sell people stuff they don’t need and make them feel guilty if they don’t participate. Nothing but inflated peer pressure, often exerted by partners you could do those things any day of the year for, when it would be both cheaper and less needy. The whole thing is a sham, so my husband and I refuse to participate, and not just because he’s a stone.

Not any old stone, mind you. He’s a geode, and a beautiful one at that. But that’s beside the point here. Rock and I have been together for twelve years and not once were either of us tempted to join in with the Valentine’s madness. He likes a quiet night at home as much as I do, and flowers and chocolates aren’t going to add anything to it. Like I said, we could go celebrate our love together at any time throughout the year, so why pick a cold night in February when everyone else is doing the same just because they think they have to?

My favorite thing to do with Rock when we go out is to see a movie (usually a documentary since he’s not great with imagination) and then go to this Italian bistro we both love. I usually find the risotto impossible to resist, and though my hubby is never hungry, there’s a waiter named Dominic there who is always willing to gently tumble him in a napkin at some point for a small service charge. Rock goes wild for the special treatment and you can tell Dominic likes it too. Maybe that’s just because of how much we tip for the special service, but still.

Try going there today, though. There will be a line out the door of couples waiting to get in and pretend to feel extra special by paying a higher rate than usual for food that takes three times as long to arrive. No thanks. They charge you an extra thirty bucks for the tumbling today! Dominic confided to us that it’s never come up, but again, it’s this kind of thing that keeps us home. It’s all just a scam that people fall for every year. It’s much better to snuggle up with your favorite geode lover for a peaceful evening at home. What kind of idiot would think otherwise?

Categories: fuck

Royal discomfort

February 13th, 2019 No comments

The subjects stood at attention
As the king sat, emitting a groan
Quizzical looks were cast about
It was odd and everyone was thrown

He motioned that they be seated
With a look that was made of stone
So they complied with some unease
Still making their deference shown

His majesty began to speak
Far from his normal baritone
He’d stabbed his ass with the crown
That had been sitting on the throne

Categories: shit

Poached

February 12th, 2019 No comments

The humans were lurking around the perimeter of the refuge again, but there would be no fooling the parade this time. Alice and Terrance had devised an elaborate plan after the last incident, which was designed to end this harassment once and for all. It was a cruel and sadistic scheme to be sure, but they were determined to see it through, and it wasn’t as if any of the other seventeen amongst them had balked when being told about it. In fact, they were all quite enthusiastic and eager to get started.

Two humans had killed their dear friend Gerard, which was still an open and aching wound amongst all of the pachyderms. They had all seen something like it before, but this occasion had been especially disturbing. First Gerard had been shot in his flank by one of the humans, who let out a cheer as Gerard wheezed and his legs gave way. Another human then ran at him and shot again, which officially felled their friend. Everyone had watched it all progress while concealed in the forest and high grasslands, but were mute as it happened, out of both shock and fear of being seen.

Then the worst of it happened. Over the course of what felt to the parade like days, the humans sawed off Gerard’s tusks and packed them into a vehicle. They sped away, laughing, leaving their comrade’s corpse lying in the dust. Slowly the elephants emerged to examine the carnage and wailed at what they saw. Their trumpeting could be heard for miles in every direction. It was then that Terrance began talking to Alice about revenge. Their plan was hatched over a long discussion that night and pitched the next morning to the others, who quickly agreed to participate.

And now another set of humans had arrived. Everyone hid and held their breath as they awaited Alice’s signal. The humans were still joking with one another and unsheathing their weapons when it came, and the parade charged, surrounding the hunters before they could do anything but panic and drop their guns, quaking in fear. The humans were prodded by tusks and marched to the large pool of water. Beside it was a bonfire with several large stones around the perimeter.

Twelve of the elephants began pushing the stones into the water, which heated quickly in response. The humans continued to shudder in terror, still surrounded by a crowd of pachyderms. Soon the pool had warmed to an ideal temperature between 160 and 180 degrees. Alice motioned again and the four humans were pushed forward into the water as the group encircled them. Slowly they’d cook, leaving their outside burnt and hardened, while their organs and muscles liquified inside them. The humans screamed in agony as the parade trumpeted once more, but now with triumph.

Categories: death

Humor museum

February 11th, 2019 No comments

Okay, who’s ready to get started? All right, an enthusiastic group! Love it! That’s great to see. I’m Shane, your guide today for a tour through the Humor Museum. Just a couple of things to cover before we get going. First, there’s no photography allowed in the museum, and secondly, we ask that you not touch any of the exhibits while we’re passing through. Other than that, you’re free to enjoy yourselves as much as possible. So let’s do this!

This first area is called the Sanguine Wing. The humor associated with this title is blood, as you can see from our giant vat of it over there. Fun fact: there are nearly 400 gallons of blood in there, and all of it is type AB! That’s right, the rarest of all the blood types. Neat, huh? We’ve fielded requests since this place opened to donate it to a blood bank, given how precious it is, but the people asking never take into account how long it took us to acquire all of it. We spent years acquiring all this stuff, and they want us to just give it away? Ha!

Now, people in medieval times believed this humor was associated with adolescence and the atmospheric qualities of hot and moist. The reason for this is…yes, ma’am? You have a question? No, this isn’t a comedy museum. I’m not sure how you could have gotten that impression. This place is devoted to the four humors of the body that were believed to determine the characteristics of all animal species, including humans. This notion came into being in Ancient Greece, and that’s what this building has been dedicated to showcasing.

Moving on, the sanguine humor was also associated with the element of air. Common thought at the time was that there were four elements among us that were directly relatable to the humors: earth, wind, fire and air. The idea was…wait, so all of you here thought this was a museum about comedy? Didn’t you check our website out at all before signing up for the tour? Oh, right. It’s under construction. Well, if you folks are interested in something funny, you’ll love the Phlegmatic Wing. We house the world’s largest known pile of snot in there!

Categories: satan

A smart (aleck) appliance

February 10th, 2019 No comments

INT. CHICAGO APARTMENT, NIGHTTIME

DAMON: Isn’t this place great? It’s more than I was hoping to pay, but it was too perfect to pass up.

KYLIE: It is gorgeous, I’ll admit. And you said it was partially furnished when you moved in?

DAMON: Yeah! This kitchen table and set of chairs was left here, as was the coffee table and chaise lounge in the living room.

KYLIE: Wow. You’re the first person I’ve known who has a chaise lounge.

DAMON: Me too! But the best part is all the appliances the place came with. I’ve now got an electric knife, an Instapot, a bread maker and most importantly, a joke blender.

KYLIE: Is that a comedy-writing device or something?

DAMON: No, it’s called the Cheesenart, and it’s a blender that tells you jokes. It’s amazing! (plugs in blender) Here, ask it something.

KYLIE: Uh, okay. How are you today, blender?

CHEESENART: I’VE BEEN SHREDDER

DAMON: Ha ha, isn’t it great? Hey buddy, what would cheer you up?

CHEESENART: IF YOUR FRIEND TRIED MIXING IT UP WITH ME

KYLIE: That’s weird.

DAMON: Oh, god. It can go on forever. So, Cheesy, why should my friend be interested in you?

CHEESENART: BECAUSE I’M SUCH A SMOOTHIE OPERATOR

DAMON: Ha ha ha!

KYLIE: It can see me, and what, wants to date me? This is strange. I’m getting a little uncomfortable.

DAMON: Oh, come on. It’s a joke machine, aren’t you, pal? Are you really trying to ask my friend out?

CHEESENART: I WANT TO GRIND HER

DAMON: Ha! Hear that? He’s just horny!

KYLIE: It said grind me, not grind with or on me. It talks like it wants to kill me.

DAMON: Don’t be ridiculous! He wouldn’t dream of it. Right, buddy?

CHEESENART: THAT SUGGESTION IS PUREE GARBAGE

DAMON: That’s what I thought. Good one, by the way, Cheesy.

KYLIE: I don’t know…

CHEESENART: GET INSIDE ME LADY CHOP CHOP

KYLIE: Okay, I’m out of here.

CHEESENART: YOUR PULSE WILL BE MINE

DAMON: Isn’t he a riot?

Categories: fuck

Distractions

February 9th, 2019 No comments

Sorry I’m late. I was going to the bathroom before I left home, but then I dropped my phone in the toilet and couldn’t call to let you know I’d be late. So I had to put it into a bag of rice to dry it out since my train ticket is electronic and on my phone. There wasn’t really any way around having to wait given that part of the scenario. I can’t be here if I can’t ride the train, right? So that was the first setback.

After an hour, I took the phone out of the bag of rice was relieved to find that it worked again, but it seemed kind of hiccupy, so I opened a few apps to see if using it would get it back to normal. The good news is that using it did appear to help, but the bad news is when I opened up Instagram, I was immediately confronted with a picture of my ex, looking sexy as ever but on vacation with someone else! We were still together just two months ago. How could she move on from me so fast?

Well, I had no choice but to get on Twitter and complain about it, as that’s the one account of she never followed and therefore wouldn’t see. Unfortunately, no one else really follows me either except for some porn bots, so I was basically tweeting into the abyss for an hour. I was still really upset though, so I stalked her on Facebook for a little while, hunting for clues about this new mystery man. It turns out he’s a big gamer guy, so I opened Twitch and checked out his channel.

Now, I don’t use Twitch that much, so it took me like 45 minutes to figure out what I was doing and watch some of his highlights. Of course I don’t like him, but I will say he’s pretty talented at gaming. Anyway, it was around this time that I noticed the phone’s battery was nearly dead, so I had to wait around to charge it. I mean, even if it lived long enough to get me onto the train, how was I going to keep gathering intel on this new dude my ex is seeing? But once it was charged, I ran straight out the door to the train, and now I’m here. Whew!

Well, yeah, I guess I could have called after that first hour, but who even does that anymore?

Categories: shit

In the event of an emergency landing

February 8th, 2019 No comments

Step 1: Don’t panic! This happens all the time and there’s nothing to worry about.

Step 2: Calmly unbuckle your seat belt. Take one last huff out of your oxygen mask if it was deployed, because there is probably smoke in the air. It’s pretty acrid and you’re going to want to save that last clean breath.

Step 3: Make your way calmly into the aisle. Again, don’t panic. This sort of thing is more common than bad food in hospitals. Literally three of our planes had to deal with a dangerous and unexpected landing just yesterday, so let’s not pretend you’re so special.

Step 4: This means your carry-on luggage is not important either. None of your shit matters! Can’t you understand this is an insurance hassle for us, and the longer you take to deplane, the worse the public relations are? Leave it behind and proceed to the nearest exit (which may be behind you, or on the ceiling if the plane’s flipped over).

Step 5: Once you get to the exit row, do whatever the flight attendant says. Repeat: they do this practically every day! So when they tell you to hand over your wallet and not report your credit cards missing for at least twelve hours, it’s because of gravity issues with the inflatable slides. TRUST THE PROCESS.

Step 6: Exit the plane via the slide and never call a lawyer. Again, don’t worry about the credit card thing for at least twelve hours. Just be thankful to be alive! You survived an experience that happens to our carrier all the time, and not everyone lives to tell their tale! Lucky you! Do not call your lawyer under any circumstances, and maybe give us a couple more hours with those credit cards.

Categories: death